(Originally posted on February 23, 2016)
Can you believe I've been here for 50 days? I surely cannot! Some days I feel like I just arrived last week, but there are days it feels as if time is slipping by so quickly!
It is nearly impossible to try to encapsulate all that I've been experiencing and learning in the written word. Perhaps I can organize some thoughts and emotions to give you a glimpse into my most recent encounters with our God as I'm walking this unique journey with some new, very dear, missionary friends. When God opened the first doors to prepare the way for me to come here and ultimately to live in the DR, I knew there would be challenges. There were quite a few hardships and trials that I KNEW I would encounter and I was right. Because I was able to foresee those things, God instilled in me all that was necessary to face those challenges victoriously... ...but then there were challenges I had NO idea about. A few of those took me off guard. Let me see if I can explain.
In a matter of two plane rides, I found myself in a place where the tasks that were once easy for me became huge hurdles that would take me a long time to jump over. The mental capacity that it takes to do simple things like trips to the bank, getting to the supermarket - buying food - and carrying it home, walking everyyyyywhere. Need shampoo? Where do I go? How do I get there? Need to exchange money? How do I say that in Spanish? Oh, I had to have my original passport to make that transaction but I don't have the wherewithal to walk all the way home, all the way back, and then back home -- so I guess I'll exchange it tomorrow...I have to bring a bottle of soda to the gathering? Where do I get that? And the list goes on and on....
Here I found myself able to communicate only like a young child, not knowing where anything is located, and having to rely on others for everything that I need. No longer was I self-sufficient and I was dependent in everything.
This was SO FRUSTRATING for me! I was dealing with feelings of embarrassment, feelings of frustration and just being overwhelmed with all of the these things.
I resented feeling like a child.
Then, two weeks ago, we had a special speaker come and talk to us about culture shock. She began showing us images to give visuals between what we expected when we got on the plane to come here vs images that gave visuals of what we actually found when we got off the plane - two VERY different things! I was chuckling along with the others at the truth in what she was sharing until she flipped to an image that made my breath catch in my throat.
A baby. Totally dependent. Not yet self-sufficient. Laying on the chest and under the strong hand of her daddy. Until that moment, I had despised feeling like a small child - but the image of sweet dependence drew tears from my eyes and I relaxed under the hand of my Daddy God. The struggle of trying to please Him and to prove myself able to "do this thing" dissolved. He IS pleased. He DOES delight in me. Those things are not dependent on my performance. What freedom!
I've been learning to extend grace to myself. I'm really good at extending grace to other people, but for some reason, I refuse to allow myself grace. That has made the first part of this language learning journey very challenging. But the woman who was teaching us that day said,
"God said to me, 'Watch how I treat you, child, and treat yourself that way.'"
These are words that so many of us need, no matter what part of the world we call home. Are you holding yourself to impossible standards and punishing yourself when you can't hit the center of the target? If you are a child of God and you are striving to follow Him, He ALREADY is pleased with you. He ALREADY delights in you. Watch how He treats you, child, and treat yourself that way. Things have been getting better with time. I'm learning to live all over again. New language, new culture, new challenges that bring new victories. Those victories sometimes look tiny - but they are all gifts from God. I can now make transactions at the bank and get around town for the things I need. Each success is a celebrated victory - each awkward moment is an opportunity to learn and grow in this preparation for the mission field. I'm still very much dependent and very much like a child here in Costa Rica - but I am learning to cherish these moments of dependency to watch and wait for God to prove Himself over and over in my inabilities. His grace is sufficient for me. God be glorified in this humble life.
