My agency and the administration staff here at ILE have trained us on many things to help prepare us for the unique journey we are on in this chapter of our lives as missionaries. One of the main focuses is how to cope with culture shock. They say that while your body and mind is so busy adjusting to the stripping away of all things familiar and being thrust into a place of all things new and unfamiliar, you'll find new things about yourself that maybe you didn't know were a part of you.
My pastor says it like this; "When you are squeezed, what comes out?" Perhaps the squeezing I'm encountering here is different than any I've known before...so the Lord is showing me there are things in me that must be removed and replaced of which I was unaware. Last Monday (my second week of classes here at the Spanish Language Institute) was a day of confusion in my heart as I was easily irritated, frustrated, and emotional...with very little reason to be. I prayed, "Lord! What is this in me? Why am I struggling with these things? Remove them from me!" I rested for a few hours that afternoon and when I awoke, I still was struggling. These things are unusual for me as I am usually a pretty even-tempered, patient person with the people around me. I went to bed that night still dealing with these unusual inward struggles. Tuesday morning I awoke earlier than most everyone in my house. I had the kitchen to myself. I sat with my Bible and prayed while looking out at the mountains, "Lord, be my Helper. Change my heart and my thoughts." I turned to Acts 20:24. Those who know me well, know that is a verse that has resonated with me for years.
"However I consider my life worth nothing to me if only I may complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me, the task of testifying to the Gospel of God's grace."
I thought the Lord was finally helping me grasp this mentality and that it was truly becoming the pure desire of my heart as I was giving away most of my belongings, as I sold my car and gave up the key to my apartment and got on a plane to come to Costa Rica. But as I struggled with these unusual frustrations and irritations, I realized that perhaps I still consider my life worth something to me.
The Holy Spirit brought me to 1st Corinthians chapter 13.
Love is patient and kind. It doesn't envy or boast and it's not arrogant or rude. It doesn't insist on it's own way, it isn't irritable or resentful, it doesn't rejoice in wrongdoing - but in the truth. Love never ends.
Wow. All of a sudden I realized - I've been praying for months for faith and for the courage to carry the Hope that Christ gives us through His sacrifice and victory over the grave. But these verses clearly say that without LOVE those things are worth nothing. More specifically - without HIS love, those things are worth nothing. I can love people all day long with my own love - but the reality is, my love is flawed. It is imperfect, and it doesn't fit the classifications here. My love that I am capable of on my own never will fit these requirements.
God's love fits this decription perfectly.
I was brought back to a place of humility Tuesday morning. I need more of God's love poured into me that I might pour it out onto all I encounter in this life. It is the only way that all of the other stuff counts for His glory. This passage even says in verse 3; "If I give away all I have, and if I offer up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing." What a shame it would be for a person to sacrifice everything - but not have love. It would be considered a loss instead of a gain. So here I am again, finding myself in the place where I echo the words of John the Baptist...
"He must increase, but I must decrease." (John 3:30)
